Help Me Lift You Up

I am not entirely proud of my past. In the next breath, i will say i have no regrets about my life thus far, although i do feel badly about some of my behaviours, i have managed to escape with some semblance of dignity intact, and i have loving people around which is pretty lucky.

I got this dark twisted thing lurking in the past though, most of you know what i am talking about, and i just want to say to those of you who do: it's fucking hard when i cannot mention this topic. It's like if the words come out of my mouth, they are written in invisible ink and cannot be heard. It's like that name is a complex foreign language that nobody understands. I know that it was foolish of me to act the way I did, feel the way i did, treat you guys the way i did. But that is behind us now, and i can't pretend it never happened while being acutely aware every day of the impact that experience has had on my life.

if you love me, you have to understand this. poison is not my favorite topic of conversation, and i know you have all heard enough. but when you shut me down, i feel like an even bigger loser. i can't pretend that i have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i don't want it, those memories contribute to the me before you now.

it's late, i'm drunk. but i mean what i am saying, if anybody besides me can make sense of it. it has been a looooooonnnnnnnng year for me, a long few years, but the last twelve months are the ones that are freshest, and the ones that contain the most hope in recent memory.

ah fuck it.